Re: Diary of chanting aspirant

Nityananda Gauranga Hare Krsna

Today I was reading Swami's realizations about  chanting in dham - Tears in Navadvipa and I started to think - yes, this is what I want, this is life that I want, life of devotion. How to attain this service, how to attain devotion?Answer is - Naam.

Then I realised that I should chant Naam because that will please my Gurudeva and Krsna. If I can force/manage/subdue myself to dedicate to Naam more and more, somehow or other in future gradually try to attain level of 64/64/64 rounds per day that will please Gurudeva most.

Frankly, I do not see any other possible way what I should do. I am born in non-vedic family, purity, pancaratrika-vidhi, sanskrit, philosophy, jnjana, vedic rituals - it is all not familiar to me, nor that I have any attraction to this. My goal is simple - chanting Naam and I am hoping that will please my Gurudeva.

Very often I am complicated, but I know that is byproduct of this western heritage, we have this tendency to complicate things. But in fact, this is simple, just chant Naam, really surrender to Naam and all perfection will be there.

I know that I am learning, slowly, mostly on mistakes. Very often I am founding myself that I am completely incapable to understand or practice devotional activities fully, but then I have picture of Swami Gaurangapada and some strenght to continue is automatically there - Yes, I want to be like this person, like my guru, I want also to chant and understand what is bhakti, to do something positive with this life.

To reach goal of chanting 100.000  Names daily is gigantic task for person like me.  Mountains of false ego,  crazy mind, and not evan one good quality.  Only some sradha that I will  get some unconditional mercy  from Gurudeva.  I am only making problems to Him, bothering and asking some irrelevant questions, pretending to be devotee, speak some non-sence. I am not have determination or strength. But, anyway I have small faith that if I somehow or other manage always to stay around him, I will become purified and gradually, someday I may chant nicely. It is possible to transform iron into gold. Association of pure devotee is the key.

So, today I decided to write this short entry into diary of chanting aspirant. That is right definition. Aspirant. Student. Beginner. This whole process is based on mercy. Guru-krsna prasade paya bhakti lata bija. Guru-krpa...mercy of guru is everything. I do not know how to get, earn, steal this mercy, I am making many mistakes but still have faith that simply by trying, somehow or other I will get drop of mercy from my Gurudeva. then, and only if he give me his mercy, I will be able to chant someday 100.000. Names daily in complete absorption in Naam, Form, Pastimes etc. That is goal of life, everything else is secondary.

While reading Tears in Navadvipa, such thoughts came to me today.

ekaki amara, nahi paya bala,
hari-nama-sankirtane
tumi kṛpa kori', sraddha-bindu diya,
deho' krsna-nama-dhane

 "I do not find the strength to carry on alone the sankirtana of the holy name of Hari. Please bless me by giving me just one drop of faith with which to obtain the great treasure of the holy name of Krsna."

 

 

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