Nityananda! Gauranga! Hare Krsna!
Dear Swami Gaurangapada and assembled devotees, please accept my full obiesances and love.
Over the last 3 months I have been going through the greatest spiritual trial and faith crisis of my life thus far. I am slowly healing from a long term mental health condition, living with a profound mind, synesthesia, auras, psychic phenomena, and other siddhis also. The experience has made me what I am, a better person who can now see the 'other' and what love is.
I wish to be open and honest with you all. I am going through a deep healing process and many things are coming to the surface presently - many blocks that need attending. During most of my early life I was in a somewhat abusive household and controlling spirits. And as a young child entering secondary school was psychologically and methodically abused by a very sick Christian Brother. At that stage as a child intense anxiety manifested in my life. I dropped out of school early due to anxieties, entered gradual intoxicaton addiction, and eventually at the age of 24 a major breakdown.
The last five years under Swami Gaurangapada's care I have grown alot. But still experienced many blocks. This year I eventually left my family who could not accept my mind and spiritual ways. I was perishing in their accusing and abusive mood. So survival became necessary. It was the hardest choice of my life to leave them.
As my dream of being a monk living in India failed, I lost faith. It was a gradual process that began to manifest due to bad association - one particular internet forum which I will not mention. Where the devotees always argue. It hardened my heart, along with the family problems and other social issues in my life.
Since the dream to live in India fell through I found it necessary to seek a spiritual community in my home town, to grow, mature and heal socially. So, my faith is in transition presently.
I felt it necessary to be honest with you all at Nitaai Sangha, and to be open to Swami Gaurangapada also. Rather than being false, as I know some of you (depend on my faith).
A few months ago I entered a very controversial therapy in desperation to heal. Sadly the therapy is not accepted in my society and greatly misunderstood. I was so desperate to survive my crisis (it had reached that point)...and in deep hopes of actualizing my life, free of neurosis I made my choice to heal.
I went through one private night of this therapy, and have processed the experience in words today for you all. So that you may understand. Below is my realization after the therapy that very sacred night. I love you all, and am sorry if I have let any of you down - as I find my way now with God.
Pure devotion is the way to God. Devotion free of offences to fellow souls. This is the essential message I will uphold for eternity!
y.s. Nava Gauranga dasa.
**** Bliss and the Striving Body****
Sometime ago I had the good fortune of hearing about Joseph Campbell. Dr. Stanislav Grof (who I have dedicated parts of this blog to) deeply admired Joseph as a dear friend and great source of wisdom and knowledge. Joseph Campbell is known for his saying, 'follow your bliss!' As far as I know this one phrase was the culmination of his heart and understanding in his latter days on this earth.
I was in a discussion forum some time back and I mentioned to one man if he had heard of Joseph. The man was rash and caste the mention of Campbell aside, suggesting, 'follow your bliss, wishy washy - what kind of philosophy is that!' It is ironic really, because Joseph Campbell's life was full of deep insights, a crafter of words, and a wonderful teacher. And the use of one phrase to describe his understanding, shows the depth of his realization as a human being. As he has said (let me paraphrase), 'when the heart and head align we are well in the flow'. And who would not want bliss to be evident in their life?
Some time ago I entered a non-ordinary state of consciousness, in that period of life there had been lack of bliss for some months (and much pain). I was striving to find my peace and way, having lost some faith in a doctrine (and spiritual cultivation) that I had dedicated a very intense five years to. Looking back at those five years of practice, as a Hare Krsna devotee, I learnt so much about consciousness, who I was, and the universe, and the other around me (devotion). But, mental suffering was (and is) still very evident. Stealing my bliss.
The non-ordinary state I experienced, and its message and wisdom, is difficult to describe in words. At the time it was very 'profound' because the experience was as if a higher teacher, or a very deep recess within me, was teaching (it was a non-ordinary state). Firstly I was shown very cleary that the 'strictness, discipline, and constant striving of spiritual practice' - 'aiming for a goal and perfection' - was not where the higher entity found satisfaction. It was 'not an offering of devotion' that the higher entity sought for. It was very clear that 'striving was unnecessary' and in some way - 'illusory, empty, and worth casting away', as the true self. And over the months as I have contemplated this gem of wisdom, I have become aware of the 'striving body' as the root of my suffering (and lack of bliss, when that false self dominates).
The second realization that came to me in that non-ordinary state (in connection with a higher being) was 'the shadow'. The secret parts of my soul that I considered 'failings, embarassments, and great sins' worthy of hiding. Even to the point of 'neurosis'. At that moment the higher entity came and taught - that 'this shadow is ok'! 'accepted'! 'necessary'! and 'an integral part of the plan'. Almost a 'treasure'. And that the striving body was the problem. As that feeling of 'acceptance' over-whelmed my soul the manifestation of 'bliss' arose! And the 'shadow and my self' became a pleasing 'devotional offering' for the 'other'.
I sat there in that state of 'acceptance' (experiencing 'increasing' bliss), in the presence of the higher entity, and I was amazed. All I could say was, 'really?', over and over again. The realization was so obvious, and I knew it rationally for many years before. But in this 'non-ordinary state' it was so 'evident and profound' like never before. 'The shadow is ok, and the striving body (false ego) is out the window? Really?' 'The striving body is not devotion?'I will never forget that bliss and connection to that higher entity.
Fifteen years before this night I had had a near death experience and seen that bliss. During the last five years I had tasted that bliss (in a striving body way) - but this night I realized what the 'real bliss is'. And I firmly believe this is the great gift of what Stanislav Grof's life and work is all about....'that non-ordinary states can lead to profound insights, healing, and in due course potentially life time actualization and living'...also, then the human being can be a blessing to others. Having inner peace.
And also, the higher entity that taught me that night, continues to teach in various manifestation day by day now. A higher intelligence, in eastern language 'buddhi yoga', or 'inner guru', or 'super-soul'. Externally taking many forms also.
So, as the days went on from that night, I began to understand the non-ordinary experience, to some degree, within my rationale and baser intellect. Basically, that the striving body (or pain body as Eckhart Tolle calls it in his way) is false ego. And that suffering comes from the blending of that striving body and the shadow. Causing guilt and neurosis and lack. Whereas the shadow, in connection with the higher entity (and my bliss), is the grace and gift of humanity. The shadow is a blessing. Manifesting a private field to cultivate and grow, and mature (like a tree and soil)...
I am not suggesting the shadow is truth in itself, but in connection with the 'higher plane' it transmutes and becomes sacred. When my smaller and lower dimension surrenders to that higher field (some may call it God), then the field of cultivation manifests unlimited bliss within the human vessel. The external then becomes the gift.
Realization of this is what I call the 'bliss body', and true self. The kingdom of God. It entails full surrender.
Now, the striving body still remains, but the light that became evident showing bliss is more profound and true in nature. And the shadow has become sacred. As Joseph Campbell has said, ' the head and the heart aligned'.
I still question what and who is God? The way of the shaman who dies to heal? The messiah Jesus who comes to mediate? Krsna the god of erotic love and his inner bliss Radha? What is the highest? I know now I shall not 'strive' to find it, but simply enter the flow and let 'It' guide me. In trust and surrender! Integrated and whole! Religions, divisions, and polemics may remain, but the offences from such will never be cultivated as truth again!
Yesterday was a beautiful blue sky day. I lay on the green grass looking at the heavens and pondered, grounded in the earth as the heavens beyond the blue moved. 'What am I supposed to be (now with this knowledge)?' Then at that moment I heard a croaking sound, and a beautiful big bird landed on the fence, making the strangest croaking sounds. The bird is reasonably common around here, but I had never heard its noise before. At that moment of synchronicity I realized the 'bird just is' and so 'am I'. And the higher entity(s) 'Is also'. And our relationship is love and sharing. Devotion will always be my way...now let it be simple and pure.
Simply 'Be'. Simply 'Is'. 'Simply 'gratitude'. Simply 'share'.
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Jaap does not have to be lengthy to be pure. It has to be simply free of offenses. And if it is cultivated in humility and sincerity, with 'loving feeling toward God', then desire to enter deeper into the 'internal process' will naturally awaken in due course. With taste.