Re: Advice for the Youth and Students

Respected Swamiji and all Vaisnavas,

     Nityananda Gauranga Hare Krishna! Please accept my respectful obeisances!

     This is the final and most heart stopping post regarding my problems with sex and masturbation.

     By this time, things had reached a point where I had grown weary and tired of mastrubation and I was seriously planning to quit. Yet one misconception had not left and that is, "Its not wrong. Even if it is, its just minor. Not so harmful." So I was taking it lightly till then and occasionally on a few days I would masturbate simply because I was letting it continue by leftover influence of old habits without forcibly applying the brakes because of this misconception. By now the mantrarajas had got rid of the lusty urge and it was simply running like a fan would run for a while when the electricity was disconnected.

     Then last week I called up Hadai dasa prabhu and told him that I was feeling stuck because I was not feeling anything strong enough like ecstasy to hit the brakes. My friends joined and then it went somewhere.....as Hadai dasa prabhu himself put it in his own words.

Hadai dasa prabhu : "What do you think of when you masturbate? Of some woman you have seen somewhere in life, real or in the movies or books right?"

me : "Well yes"

Hadai dasa prabhu : "Then what do you do? You mentally abuse that woman forcibly don't you? In real life can you just walk up to that woman and ask her to satisfy your lust?"

me : "No!!! I can't!  You are right....That is what I do."

Hadai prabhu : "That means you commit the sin of actually molesting that woman! You receive those stringent reactions!"

me : "Oh my! Nitaai! I never thought....."

Hadai dasa prabhu : "Whatever you do affects those people at a subtle level because you mentally torture them like that! That is why those celebrities in the magazines and TV suffer so many problems. Your actions affect the person you are thinking of with. It actually creates a mental vibration that harms them and prevents them from normally functioning!"

me : "Then...what I have done....there is no difference between me and a real woman hunter!! That means I am a...."

Hadai dasa prabhu : "If suppose you were told that if you masturbated just once now and for that you would die immediately! When you would know that you would die right after this act, would you do it?"

me : "Never!!! Not on my life!!" (and be taken to hell, where they'll pour molten metal on me.....)

Hadai dasa prabhu : "From the spiritual point of view, every one is spirit soul. The soul is a devotee in his real nature. And the Lord is with the soul and seeing everything from within the heart! Isn't that right?"

me : "But then if that is so.."

Hadai dasa prabhu : "So you are molesting a part and parcel of God and right before the Lord when He is watching everything!! That woman is a part and parcel of God and you are doing something like that right before the Lord.

me : "A jiva aparadha.." (At this point, I was sweating and my heart was racing. My stomach was lurching and I started feeling giddy and sick as though I would faint)

Hadai prabhu : "Just see the Lord standing before you. When you know He's there, you can't do it, can you. You see him right before you....."

At this point I was just thinking of the form of Lords Gaura Nitai before me. The form of the opposite sex, the lust, all vanished. Now I was so scared and horrified I could not raise my head to even look at them. I could not imagine what the Lord's expression would be if this offense was done to His part and parcel. His anger would be indescribable. Simply that thought was making me feel as though my heart would stop. I was so shocked and when I thought of what the Lord's expression would be I thought my heart would stop. I was panting and I thought that simply seeing his feet and the shock of knowing he is there would give me cardiac arrest.

I couldn't look at His feet! All those feelings of guilt, horror, being caught in the act, the monstrosity of the sin I have done.....I stopped thinking of the Lord because I thought I would go mad or deranged if I saw those feet anymore. Like how the murder feels when everyone stares at him dead in the eye when he is exposed. He cannot tolerate a piercing gaze like that. He will scream, "Stop it! Don't look at me like that! No! Stop! Don't stare!!! STOP!!! AAARRGHH!!!!!!!  and he covers his eyes in horror.

Jiva aparadha....and an offence like THAT, I had done it! All before the Lord!! He saw everything! Still, I was spared!! I was not burnt to ashes immediately! So many times I committed such a heinious crime!! Oh Nitaai! I told myself it was not wrong!!! I abused your part and parcles and said it was not wrong!!! How could I have even thought of such a crime?? All these years, that was my 'pleasure'. What kind of a person was I if I was committing offenses to other souls? I am the most fallen, so many bad qualities. All are better and fit to sit on my head! And I was desiring to do something so sinful to them!!! 

A disciples sins can affect his my spiritual master too!! He was giving me so much love and mercy and I was repaying him by giving him the sin of abusing another soul! Another devotee!! SHAME ON ME! WHAT HAVE I DONE!! CURSE ME!...................

I do not think any words will be enough to properly convey the storm of emotions and the horrible feeling throughout every atom in my body. My friends were so shocked! Venkat took an oath right there never to masturbate again, EVER! Vignesh was so disgusted that he could not speak!! I on the other hand had to come to grips with the reality. Who knows what they felt. Only they will be able to describe it properly. It just goes to show the whole world what this masturbation and illicit sex really is. Not the pleasure, but really the horror.

At that point Hadai dasa prabhu consoled us and said, "You are all forgiven before it was ever even done. The Lord has forgiven. Now you know. When you think of the Lord knowing that He is there you cannot do it. You simply cannot masturbate because you know very well that the Lord's pleasure potency is so much greater. So when you meditate on him and chant NItyananda and Gauranga, the lust vanishes and you will no longer masturbate. When you dive into the ocean of pleasure while chanting, all this will just vanish"

I could not eat that day. I have seen so many scenes of grief both in the fictitious stories and in real life. I have seen how it is when someone you love so much dies away so suddenly. But that could not compare to this. I was paralysed for a whole night. The next day I remembered everything I had done, everything that I have mentioned in my earlier posts and I cried bitterly banging my fists on the desk and my head on the wall. I have never wept and cried like that for a very long time. That was the first time I repented. Finally I got up and told myself to let the past go and look to the future and atleast not repay the Lord like that for all his mercy from now on.

I got up, feeling like a different person. A new fire had awoken inside me and I was feeling incredible. This time I had more than enough to stamp the brakes forever. The last misconception had fallen by the force of Hadai dasa prabhu's words. I now felt a fire of determination that I should reach the Lord and his devotees at any cost. It was like making a very brave decision like walking into a battlefield with the confidence that I will survive all that is thrown at me. The feeling lasted for a few seconds, and then it went. At last I felt as though a crushing weight of a million tonnes had been lifted of me. I was peaceful. The mantrarajas Nityananda and Gauranga had done it! Just as they promised, whoever chants once will eventually be delivered! I understood their power and could only fall before the Naama prabhu's feet.

The Lord insipired Hadai dasa prabhu and told him what to say. And he told us. So it was the Lord who spoke to me, to the three of us. The Lord actually spoke to us through his devotee. Hadai dasa prabhu himself had never used such strong language with us ever. It was Lord Nityananda and Gauranga and I can see them behind this whole orchestration. To think that the Lord spoke those words to us sends a shiver down my spine. Really I don't know what to say.

When I think of how merciful the devotees of the Lord like Swamiji and Hadai dasa prabhu must be in order to forgive us for sins like this even before it was done, I am overwhelmed and I understand their greatness. How small and insignificant we are compared to those great devotees! It was very humbling and I felt very fortunate to have been able to meet such devotees despite my sinful and condemned position.

Then the next day I spoke to Hadai dasa prabhu again and before him I took a vow, that I will NEVER indulge in this vile act of masturbation again, even at the cost of my life, even if it maintaining that vow becomes the very last thing I do!! I know that it is very daring to make such a strong decision, but I have faith in the mercy of the Lord, His names and his devotees and that gives me the confidence to try to keep up such a vow. I have no qualification, but if I can just grab their feet firmly without letting go I know I am safe.

So with this I come to the end of narrating my experiences with illicit sex in the form of masturbation and how the names of the Lord and his devotees saved me and gave me one more chance to come out of it. For all the drama and trauma involved, the story had a happy ending and I pray to all of you that it stays that way.Our acaryas never compromised with illicit sex. For them it was 0 and only ZERO! They set the standard and we cannot aim for any lower standard than that.

The Lord and his devotees have done so much, so much for us. They saved my life from heading straight to hell and gave me the Nityananda and Gauranga mantrarajas and the Hare Krishna mahamantra. They opened my eyes to the truth and gave me a new life. They showed so much mercy to a useless soul like me which cannot be repaid in an infinity of births. My real position is to be their servant, servant of the devotees. They did so much for all of us....and I will not let them down anymore!

Thanking you for your patience and your mercy,

Aspiring to become a humble servant of the Vaisnavas and the Lord,

Srinath

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