Re: Diary of chanting aspirant

Nityananda Gauranga Hare Krsna
All glories to Swami Gaurangapada!
All glories to Srilla Prabhupada!
All glories to Nitaai and Gaura Naam!

Initiation is beginning of real life. It came upon me as ultimate guru-krpa or mercy of Gurudeva. There is no question of any qualification. It is mercy of guru. I would like to write down in this diary some off my insignificant realisations, just in order to glorify my eternal spiritual master and this sublime process of chanting Nityananda Gauranga and Hare Krsna maha mantra and to encourage anyone who may reading this just to have faith in spiritual master. We may lose all hope in ourselves, but Gurudeva have faith in us, and therefore we are still here, by his mercy.

Last week my brother and his wife told me that they will received initiation into chanting Nityananda Gauranga and Hare Krsna from Gurudeva via internet conference! What blessings! Nityananda Gauranga Hare Krsna! I was very happy to hear this and my brother asked me to came if I found some time. At that time I felt great inspiration within to bring Deities of Nityananda and Gauranga to their home. My brother is very attached to Lord Jagganatha and he have Jagganatha, Baladeva and Subhadra Deities, but I felt very inspired to bring Nityananda and Gauranga Deities. He agreed.

Night before initiation I had dream of Gurudeva. He was waking me up and telling me something about initiation. When I wake up I thought this is all my speculation, so soon I try to forget this and continue with ordinary daily activities.

Usually I am 1000% busy with ordinary jobs activities,and taking care of my little 2 year old son, but by Lord's arrangement just few days ago my wife Marija and my son went to some relatives to town Ruma, so I was free to attend their initiation. Now i can see that this was perfect arrangement of Lord, because otherwise I would probably stay at home. Also, that day I worked second shift on radio from 13PM so I was free all morning. All this may look like coincidences but I can understand that Guru and Krsna mercifully helped me to accept spiritual life more seriously.

I wented to house of my brother and his wife around 6 AM. They were already dressed in vaisnava clothes, ready for initiation. they arranged beautiful altar and were waiting for Gurudeva to made call. I did not want to make any disturbance and wanted to stay behind silently chanting.

Soon after that Gurudeva contacted them and said that he will begin in about 15 minutes. I just shortly typed on chat that I just want to thank him for bestowing his mercy upon my brother and his wife. "Who is this" he replied. " Davor's  brother, Igor" I answered.

Then Gurudeva mercifully corrected me by writing that my brother and his wife are more advanced then me and that I need to try to make further advancement. I replied shortly yes, and then Gurudeva wanted to see
me via camera.

I bowed down before him, feeling like complete idiot and fool.  What a rascal I am. Evidence that Lord Gauranga and Nityananda are giving mercy to most fallen. I give up all hope in me. But Gurudeva did not. He say to me "we must hope against hope." That is only hope for us, mercy of guru.

I felt at that moment that I want to die, to vanish anywhere. Fool I am, otherwise I will accept this process seriously and fully embrace Gurudeva's mercy and orders.

Then Gurudeva told that all free of us may be initiated and asked me to think about that. What? I thought. It struck me like thunderbolt? What is this now? I started to pray to Lord Nitayananda within my hearth. Why are you doing this to me? You brought me here and now you are trying to embrace me here. I was dressed in jeans without tilaka, without anything.
Why are you playing on such way Nitaai? - I thought. I tried to escape and to live ordinary life. My plan was to live so-called ordinary life and then in old age go to Ekachakra-Dham and die. But now you brought me here before your pure devotee.

After several minutes Gurudeva came back on-line again and asked us are we ready. He asked me if I thought about that and I just reply - guru-krpa. That is my real position, nothing more then guru-krpa, mercy of guru. What is my qualification. There are no qualifications. Our only qualification is fortune to bow down before spiritual master.

He asked us to do acamana and we do it. I thought, Oh I am not dressed properly, impure within and without, so I chanted Nityaanda and Gauranga Mantrarajas while taking water from acamana pot. By chanting Mantrarajas, I thhought everything is becoming pure.

After that Gurudeva asked us to chant Mangalacarana mantras for invoke all auspiciousness. We chanted,, repeating after him and after that he asked who will receive initiation first. I embraced my brother and said his name, and he agreed.

I felt great joy by witnessed this special occasion. That meant me a lot, to see my brother initiated into chanting Nityananda and Gauranga Naam and Hari Naam. What else I may desire? If I do not succeed in attaining pure love for Lord Gaura-Krsna, if I become swallowed by Maya, he may succeed and help me. Nityananda Gauranga Hare Krsna

Dayala-Nitai! Such wonderful name. We embraced each other. Nityananda Gauranga Hare Krsna

After that his wife, Djurdjica was about to become initiated. She repeated Nityananda Gauranga and Hare Krsna Maha Mantra  three times after Gurudeva. It is very hard to properly pronaunce her name for
non-slavic lenguage speakers so Gurudeva asked aboutproper pronancuniation. He said that now she will have name that everyone knows and it will be easy to remember - Jaganattha devi dasi! Nityananda Gauranga Hare Krsna!!!!! Haribol! Such wonderfull name.

Then Gurudeva asked me to repeat after him. My hearth start to cry and tears started to flow down. I feltlike fool before Gurudeva, and my voice choked while I was trying to repead Holy Names after him. I cried like little baby, unable to move. His voice vibrated and I just listened to this sound knowing that this is most blessed moment in my life. He then gave me my new life and new name Ishana Thakura das.

Gurudeva spoke several instrunctions, but I was so shocked that I just stay like stone. One of his words came deep into my hearth, and from that moment I am thinking constantly about that. He said to me - "Dive deep into Naam". That is my goal, that is what I must to do, to dive deep into Naam. 

I am writing this from my subjective perspective. Initiation is begining into chanting. Gurudeva said on initiation that disciple is receiving seed of devotion and that job of disciple is to water that seed by
regular chanting.

I am still completly shoched upon mercy that Gurudeva gave to me. I am not feeling that I deserved to be part of his transcedental family, but he is so mercifull. Now I must gave something to him. What I can do. " Dive deep into naam" he said to me. That I may try, to make my sadhana strong and unshapable by his mercy. To completly accept vaisnava behavior and tradition. To eat only prasadam. To pray to Lord Nitaai to help my Gurudeva in his mission of spreading Holy Names.

Guru-krpa is everything. this is not movement of qualifications, This is mercy movement. Thank you Gurudeva for have hope in me, evan when  I lose all hope. I have feeling that I am now learning to pronaunce and chant again. It seems something different.

I just wanted to share my personal point of view to this most blessed moment in my life. Mercy of Guru is everything in our life. Now I am chanting Nityananda Gauranga and Hare Krsna with goal to satisfy my Gurudeva. He told me to dive deep into Naam. I have no qualification, but his strong desire brought me here and gave me new life, new name, new
future. By his desire all is becoming possiable in our life.

jogyato vichare kichu nahi pai
tomara karuna sara
karuna na hoile kandiya kandiya
prana na rakhibo ara

If you examine me, you will find no qualities. Your mercy is all that I am made of. If you are not merciful unto me, I can only weep, and I will not be able to maintain my life.

I am writing this into diary so that I may be able to remember this thoughts. If anyone is reading this please, listen to my words - mercy of spiritual master is all what we should pray for! If we may always remain under protection of his teachings, by chanting Holy Names, serving vaishnavas, and helping him somehow in this divine mission, we will attain all hapiness.

Dive deep into Naam. Dive deep into Naam.
So I am going to chant my rounds with desire to someday fullfill desire of my Gurudeva.

Nityananda ! Gauranga ! Hare Krsna!
All glories to Swami Gaurangapada!

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