A rascal's lamentation

Respected Swamiji and all Vaisnavas,

     Nityananda Gauranga Hare Krishna! Please accept my respectful obeisances! Here I am frankly telling you the truth of my personality. There is no end to all my sinful vices and bad qualities.

      I only pose like a devotee to create a good impression. Actually I am a hypocrite, only a wretched hypocrite and a liar. Even as I write this letter, I know I am only boasting, "Look at me! I am humble!" Please forgive me.
 
      I have no service mentality. I have considered devotion as a fad or fashion or worse, just like a drug. I never thought of it as service. I have only given trouble to everyone. I did not follow the rules properly. I had no love. I am more interested in Mayawada and other nonsense than most Mayawadis and atheists are. Actually I am a rascal, the worst fool!!

      I have become so proud of my knowledge thinking I am a great philosopher. I have studied only to establish my skill in defeating others.

      Daily I find only faults in other people not seeing what lies in me. I am the most sinful and I am shamelessy calling others sinful. What I have done only the Lord knows in truth.

      Because of fault finding, I never mingle properly with others and I am an introvert. Because of this I am headed to be one of life's failures. Day and night I only indulge in speculation after speculation spending my life in dreamland, even though I know I am only fuelling my doom and that I can never find the Lord in this way.

      I have no sincerity in chanting. I do it one day and don't do it another. I have never made it part of my life. As a matter of fact, no good habit stays with me for long. Today I am repenting, but tomorrow I will be back to my old ways.

      I have become addicted to the internet, chatting prajalpa and movies and what not and so I give pain to myself, my parents and everyone. Everyday I search only for the gossip that goes around the place knowing very well it won't make an atom's worth of difference. I search all nonsense on the net instead of spending my time chanting.

      I am a lusty beast. There's no other word. I am a beast. I have caused great sorrow to others because I am so envious and a sadist. There is no sin I have not committed. I never tried to protect myself from the attacks of lust and I have no celibacy. I have wasted my brains, my good qualities and my spiritual progress by doing everything indescribable against proper life.

     I have ruined everything by excessive sex indulgence even though I should be a brahmachari at this stage. I am unable to control any of my sense like the tongue, belly, genitals, and all others.

           

      Jagai and Madhai did not commit Vaisnava aparadha. But I have offended the whole parampara! Shame on this beastly wretch, only worth his body's weight in garbage. I am millions of times more condemned than them.

      I have been of no useful service to anyone. I have only set a bad example to everyone.

      Whenever the Lord gives me time, I waste it on nonsense. That which will help me I consider it to be trouble and try to avoid it claiming falsely that it will affect my non-existent bhakti. But instead I waste all my time in nonsense. Because of this everyone is troubled that I accept the nonsense and reject the good things.

     I use the Lord's mercy and devotees mercy as a drug and give it less regard than I give my own dirt!!! Alas alas alas...!!!!

      I am dreadfully lazy for anything and always waste time. Because of this I give great trouble to others. I always goof up on the job because of lack of interest. Everyone is very unhappy because of me.

I always postpone things till the last minute or day and then take everyone else's life out by over stressing them.

I am a teenager deeply afflicted with guilt because of what I have done and am doing. I make my mum cry and scream out of frustration, as if her existing troubles were not enough. She is slowly losing hope on me.

Whatever I do, I always postpone. I am unable to get rid of this. I need all of you to forgive and open the divine connection so that I lose this habit. Because of this, both materially and spiritually I am losing out and I am unable to regulate any material or spiritual activity. Sometimes I do them or sometimes I don't. I am never consistent in any practice so I worry that am heading to become a failure in life. Basically I have great trouble making habits because of laziness.

I have a drug mentality towards life and I am so proud I think myself God and expect everyone to serve me and take care of my things while I sleep around all the time.

Therefore I have become very arrogant and lazy and because of this I have to suffer so much by piling things up at the last minute. Still I don't learn anything.

I use the Lord, the devotees, my parents, friends, opportunity, everything as a drug for my own sense gratification and I fear I will go to eternal condemnation in hell for all my sins. Please forgive me for I have also used you as a drug without realizing the monstrosity I have committed.

Please help me change the drug mentality into a service mentality so that I become humble and do everything without thinking of it as a chore.

Ultimately I am an ungrateful dog and and an animal. How will I ever reach or please the Lord or his devotees?

Never did I chant even one name without serious offenses. Actually internally I am secretly encouraging all my material desires in another corner and actually I make decisions only for material things. My chanting is worthy only for being eaten by vultures and beating tortured by Yamadutas in hell.

    Other than Nityananda Gauranga's and Radha Krishna's devotees, who can save me now. You may decide.

    Please do not say ever that I am being humble. I am telling the truth. You can come and see me. You will see. Otherwise why do I write like this?

     Overcome by the pain of guilt more than anything, I am writing this and beating myself, banging my head on the walls.

    When I suffer the fist blows, I know that I deserve only to be made to drink molten metal and be cut to pieces and humiliated. Anyone who chastises me, or abuses me or humiliates me, or kills me is a great person who is perfectly right. No sin will be committed by this.


    I should suffer much more than this. In this way I am continuously sinning. I deserve no mercy. Still, you Vaisnavas are tolerating my impunity and forgiving me and always helping me again and again with your mercy. Otherwise by now it would be all over and I would have been rejected. But still I have only thought of you at the level of a shameless hippie, as a drug. Will you all forgive me. Today I am repenting for all this

I want to do everything as my service to the Lord and his pure devotees. and get rid of all these worst, animal qualities. That is all this wretch is praying for.

Worthless rascal and sinner,
--

Srinath
 

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